Twang Grenfell Requests the Pleasure
The scene is a youth orchestra summer course at an English preparatory school.
Good morning girls! Covers OFF the harps please, music OUT...on the stand, Lavinia, not on your head...thank you...we are beginning with "Suite of Merry Madrigals", please, Merry Madrigals. It is not stupid music, Titania, it's super jolly music, and it will sound marvellous when we are all together in the orchestra. Mrs Elephantine-Volvo is going to be the singer, which will be lovely, won't it? Now, who heard how good the trumpets sounded in First Orchestra yesterday? And why? Because they all played EXACTLY TOGETHER, didn't they: pa-pa-pa, pa-pa-pa-pa, pa-pa-pa-PA! We are going to play like them, together. Figure 69 please! 'La Verginella'. And one, two and - what is it, Xenia? Well, your music's not very helpful sitting in matron's study, is it? Go and see Mr Bird and ask for a photocopy - WALK, DON'T RUN...AND SAY THANK YOU...thank you. 69! Two and pom, pom, pom tiddle-om - Belgravia, what are your pedals here? All naturals. And what key is that? No, not F...Alycinthia, when I ask Belgravia a question, I want Belgravia to answer it. Is your name Belgravia? Sit quietly then - properly on your stool please, nice straight back, elbows UP! Stop picking your feet.
Harps in C Major please! Has everyone got their pedals in C Major? What do we do if we aren't sure of our pedals? We draw a pedal diagram. Everybody take their red pencil and draw a lovely big diagram. Yes, if you haven't got your red pencil then pink will do. Or green...you can choose, girls, but QUICKLY! The conductor will not wait for you to write in pedals! Mr Greenwood would already be 'Bewailing the untimely death of Prince Henry!'. No, Ophelia, 'Bewailing the untimely death of Prince Henry' is the title of the next Madrigal. Not a real death. Well, it might have been a real death, but a long time ago. Yes, before I was born. We aren't going to find out if it's real or not if you don't hurry up! Figure 69. One, two, three and pom, pom, pom tiddle-om, tiddle-om pom pom hey nonny non - Chlamydia! Why have I stopped conducting? No, not because it's lunchtime. Nor am I feeling tired. If you are tired you should have gone to bed earlier; lights out is at nine o'clock and is to be strictly respected. You may not feel like sleeping but that is no reason to prevent others from doing so.
I have stopped conducting because you didn't follow my beat. You must watch and play your crotchets in time with my arm. Let's all practice clapping along to my arm: one, two, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap, clappity - come in quietly, Xenia, we are clapping at 69 - clap clap clap and OFF! Good. Now with the harps. Xenia, when I said come in quietly, I did not mean lounge on the sofa. We are in a rehearsal, and like Mr Greenwood said, rehearsals are times for ABSOLUTELY CONCENTRATING. Ready to play, girls! One, two, pom, pom, pom tiddle-om, tiddle-om pom pom hey nonny nonny, C, D, C B A, C D G F OFF! Good.
...Covers OFF, girls, everybody else is ready to start! If I go to the trouble of carrying all your harps upstairs for you, you are responsible for your stools, music and being ready to play when Mr Greenwood is. He won't wait! Xenia, what's the matter? He isn't scary, he's the conductor, it's his job to lick us into shape. Come on! "Pomp and Circumstance" letter C! Harps on shoulders, pedals! Louder, Lavinia! Of course you can, "I can't do it" is banned in my harp section. So is "I cannot do it". So is "Je ne peux pas" - ALL NEGATIVE STATEMENTS IN ANY REAL OR MADE-UP LANGUAGE. Bad luck, Belgravia, that run is tricky - if you can't do it, leave it out.
[sotto voce] Shh! ABSOLUTELY CONCENTRATING! Just because Mr Greenwood is talking to the trombones does not mean you won't be needed in a minute! I know we haven't done anything for forty minutes, Ophelia, but if you play the harp you have to sit still and be patient. Face the front.
Mr Greenwood! Will you be needing us after the Beethoven? Oh.
Well DONE girls! That's MUCH better. I know you got lost fifty million times, Belgravia, but you got back in! We all get lost sometimes - no, not Mr Greenwood. He is always right, that's why you have to watch watch watch him all the time. I know he looked at us a bar early but maybe he felt like a change. Come along now, covers ON before we all go to lunch! Alycinthia, come back at once! Would you leave your harp at home like this? Your mummy and daddy have paid a lot of money to buy you this, and if you don't cover it up, all that gold leaf will chip chip chip away and then what will we do?
What's that, Louis?
Yes, it is fantastic being in First Orchestra, isn't it?
