sour taste

Helen in conversation with a background music agent today:

He: "Helen, can you do a gig?"
She: "Sorry, I'm not available that day. Do you need any more numbers?"
He: "Well, I've got lots of numbers [reels off list of established harpists in their early forties]...but they're getting on a bit, I'd rather send pretty young things out, who is your favourite dep?"

Really. I don't have many illusions about what background music is for and I can see why you wouldn't want a minger at dinner, but all these ladies, while not teenagers, look immaculate. And the gig was in Lincoln's Inn, where everybody is a hundred years old anyway.

This is one young "thing" who won't be working for that agent again. Those harpists include my friends and mentors and my first teacher when I was five.


Sing whatever is well-made

I teach quite a lot of adults. It is great fun and I never cease to be filled with admiration for people who not only play the harp, like me, but actually have proper jobs as well (something I've never looked into). Not all, but most, start on lever (small) harps, generally for financial and practical reasons - if you live in a second floor walk-up on the Finchley road, an 81lb pedal harp's not the best thing to try and get in and out of your flat. A lot of the students are interested in celtic music anyway, for which the lever harp is designed.

Lever harps are simpler structures than pedal harps. No complicated pedal action: just one row of levers at the top of the strings to raise each one by a semitone. They are smaller, lighter and have less tension (the concert harp has two tons of force from the strings pulling on its neck). The smallest ones have a baby 22 strings and you can even buy a Build Your Own Celtic Harp kit.

This relative (but deceptive) simplicity, however, means there's a truly amazing range of terrible lever harps there which time after time my pupils turn up with and I have to be polite about.

Please, if you are thinking of learning the harp, please, PLEASE consult a professional before you buy a harp. I mean, you are entitled to spend your money on what you like; but, if you shell out £250-1000 on ebay for an elaborately carved piece of sh*t made in Pakistan, you won't get the sort of enjoyment and reward from it you would get from a real instrument. Think of it like any major purchase: if you were buying a house, you'd have it surveyed. A car: you'd read What Car or take your boyfriend/someone who knows about cars along (not my boyfriend - he doesn't drive - but I find his presence handy if I think a garage is going to overcharge me for something. They address every question to him and he nods and looks wise). A harp - depending on how much you're spending - you'll get your teacher to cast an eye over or have the world and his mother come and wonder if the tone quality on the 2nd octave A natural is a little too bright.

What makes me really cross is that none of my pupils are stupid, absolutely not, but it's impossible to judge the quality of something complicated like a harp without a good few years training behind you, and these motivated, intelligent, nice adults are getting RIPPED OFF!!!!!

I mean, one took his harp to a "harp shop" to have it tuned - and they tuned it in the wrong key! Another girl spend £650 and the soundboard came away from the box, it appears to have been stuck down with superglue, or prit stick more like (you are meant to have steel bands inside the sound box to strengthen it).

This is what you should do. HIRE a perfectly good, new, well-made, 34 string Salvi Aida harp from Holywell Music for £90 every three months. Or hire from Pilgrim, or Clive Morley; all excellent major firms who sell harps and harps only. When it comes to buying a harp, buy again from a major brand. Salvi, Lyon & Healy, Pilgrim, Aoyama, David, Camac, Horngacher, Obermayer, Venus. Which you have depends on your preference and your budget but they all know what they are doing.

God's bread! It makes me mad...

Kitchen Venom

We're having our kitchen done. There is a big hole where our brown seventies units used to be, soon to be replaced by brown noughties units. The guys doing it are great; our landlord generous, so no complaints there, BUT it is impossible to get any work done. La Danse Des Lutins is constantly interrupted in answering the door, issuing parking permits, making tea, inspecting disasters removing the units has uncovered, or otherwise trying to render sweet music against a background of sawing, hammering and Radio 2.

When I am Prime Minister every self employed creative type will get a soundproofed studio free on the NHS, where nothing ever has to be mended, ever. Lavender essential oil will be piped in through the air conditioning to aid concentration and periodically inspiring quotes by people like Menuhin and Erasmus will float hologramatically across the wall.

Anyway it was all OK because just as I was despairing of my Danse my neighbour informed me I'd got a puncture, so I spent the rest of the afternoon sorting that out.